Only the Good
by Scripta Lexicona
Summary: Sayu's thoughts on her brother and what he meant to her.


AN: This little ficlet is dedicated to MiaoShou because it was parts of _Dancing in the Dark_ that made me think of it; and also to MAB.

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**Only the Good**

She loved her brother, very much. Actually, she still does. But this is something she never told him, at least never in seriousness. She also never told him that she thought of him as her friend and, even more so, as her protector. She trusted that he would be there for her, that he would defend her from harm, always. These are things she never let him know and they are her regrets now.

They used to fight when they were smaller – all siblings do. At times like that she hated her brother more than _anything_. But that's the flipside of love, isn't it? No one can drive you to the maddening brink of all-out rage like someone you love. And besides, it wasn't fair because he was bigger.

After a while they grew out of that and Raito didn't pull her hair anymore and she didn't bite or scratch. Mostly. They both got older but he seemed to get older faster and she began to feel a little left behind and a little jealous. Because he was so smart and so good at _everything_. And she didn't want him to get so far away from her; she was worried she'd be pushed into the shadows or forgotten on a shelf like his battered and faded Kuma-chan.

But she should have known better. Her Nii-chan wasn't like that. It was true that he didn't have as much time to spend with her but when she asked for it, he always gave it. And instead of feeling jealous, she just felt proud. Proud of her brother who was so very smart and so very good. Besides, she had her own talents, even if no one really knew them. She began sketching – she liked charcoals best and had fun drawing things like leaves and flowers, playing with light and shadow.

And she loved music, which would have been a surprise to no one. What _would_ have been surprising was that she also loved to sing. But the only one who knew that (and who didn't _know_ he knew that) was Raito because he was the only one she _ever_ sang before. He never complained about it; actually, he'd often give her a little amused smile which meant far more to her than he could ever know.

She watched him with pride and love and garnered what attention she could, whether through annoyance or genuine amiability, because Raito had even less and less time now. He was getting ready to take his entrance exams, just another step to the greatness she knew he would achieve. And she told him many times how proud she was of him but, because she just _couldn't_ do it in a way that wasn't teasing, he probably didn't take her seriously. This, too, is her regret.

And then, without warning, Nii-chan was gone. He didn't come home anymore, and she couldn't call him either. And it felt so strange, that he wasn't there when he also had been before. But she was sure he was still working hard, reaching for the star that only someone like Raito could touch. So she waited and hoped that Raito and Otou-san would work through their difference so that he could come home again.

He finally did and as strange as things had felt when he suddenly left they were even stranger now because they had both changed. Of course he was still her Nii-chan but they had both gotten a little older, it seemed, both grown a little and it felt like there was some kind of barrier between them. Plus, now he had Misa-san and she was sure that they would get married soon and she would have lots of beautiful and brilliant nieces and nephews. The realization saddened her, but she pushed it away because things always changed, didn't they? Nothing ever remained the same. And even if she couldn't be with Raito like before, couldn't quite relate to him in the same way, maybe they would find a new way to connect. She could find her own path in life and maybe he would be proud of her then, too.

Then something horrible happened to her. Something that shouldn't happen in real life, that only happened to people in movies. But it happened anyway – she was stolen away and she was confused and afraid and she didn't understand it, although she tried to be strong, tried to be worthy of someone else's pride. And she was saved in the end, her Tou-san came for her and behind him, invisible but there, was her protector, her Nii-chan.

It damaged her, this horrible, terrifying thing. For a while she shut herself away, tried to keep _everything_ away from her, even the secret things that were only for herself, her drawing and her music. But she thought of Raito, good, strong Raito, and he was there beside her, a silent, unseen presence from which she could draw support and strength and she started to recover, started to mend herself, to join the world again as a functioning part of it.

And then she was almost shattered again when they came to the house, the one where only her and Kaa-san lived anymore, and they told them the truth. Kaa-san cried right away but she didn't because she couldn't believe it and every time the door opened she thought it was Raito, coming in to tell them it had all been a mistake. Of course it never was and she went to bed and somehow fell asleep and when she woke up it was still true and then she cried.

They saw him just once before he was buried, even though they said it probably wouldn't be a good idea. But they both needed to know, _she_ needed to know, and when she saw him it was all there. And she said, "This is not my brother."

It wasn't a denial and it wasn't a denouncement. What she meant was that the Raito she had loved and admired had died a long time ago and this body, this empty shell, was someone she didn't know, had never known, and would never understand.

For a little while after that she was angry. Angry at him, angry at the world, angry at _life_, because, really, how much could one person, one family take? How was it fair? What had they done to deserve this? What kind of gods allow the world to work this way? How could anything be worth this? Her few friends bore the brunt of this rage and when it abated she had fewer still.

After that followed more crying and very little else. This lasted longer than the anger, much longer and every time she thought it was ceasing, some new memory or realization would surface and it would all begin again, often catching her when she least expected it. She bore it by herself – her mother had enough on her shoulders and it wasn't something she could or would share with anyone else.

And over time this, too, stilled, bled out by her tears, replaced by bittersweet memories of what had been, and _only_ what had been, not tainted by what Raito had become. And she realized she had forgiven him. Forgiven his sins and, most importantly to her, forgiven him for taking himself away from her.

This is who she focuses on now, only her Nii-chan as she remembers him – the time he spent with her, the smiles, the laughs, even the fights because those things belong only to them. She has begun drawing again and has one picture in particular that she has been working on for a long time. It's coming rather slowly because she isn't very good at faces and she is using the picture in her mind as a reference and it's become faded and dim over the years. But she's trying hard and, whether she finishes it or not, this will always be how she remembers her Nii-chan, Raito. Because he was her brother and protector and he was always good to her.

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Originally written 17 Aug '08


End file.
